


The First Three Days

by Smith



Series: The Breath After the Last [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post-Reaper War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-04-17 05:11:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4653630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smith/pseuds/Smith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Reapers are suddenly gone, and so is Commander Shepard.</p><p>"If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger." ― Wuthering Heights</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Loss

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first story in my post-war continuity, and begins immediately after the end of the game.
> 
> I would like to deeply and profusely thank my dear beloved mareel for reminding me how important this story is, to Kaidan, to JG, and to her. I have been struggling with it since I first finished Mass Effect 3 in December last year, and I was almost ready to discard it, when I was inspired to rescue it, because it needs to be told. The end of one journey, and the beginning of another.

The ship sits cold and quiet around him, like a coffin. The Commander's cabin is dark but for the otherworldly glow of the fish tank, where the microcosm lives on as it always has. Kaidan sits on the edge of the bed, his elbows resting on his knees, his head hung, his hands clasped together.

The engines are silent, but the forest outside hums and throbs with the call of birds and insects, the rustle of leaves and the howl of the wind, could he dare to step out into it. They'd quickly learned that nights are rife with stinging bugs and the occasional hulking shadow of predators best avoided, so they huddle inside the dead Normandy like prehistoric man from a thunderstorm, at the mercy of unfathomable nature.

If only he could hide forever.

There is no time for shock, but they're all trapped, stuttered to a halt, inside it. EDI is offline. Joker is uncharacteristically flat. His quips remain, but the gleam in his eyes is gone.

Kaidan hasn't been able to meet his own in the mirror.

They need him to be Major Alenko, but he doesn't know how to be anything at the moment. Loss follows him around, as it had followed Shepard, but they'd chosen this life, where war defines them. It seems laughable, now, that they'd shouldered these burdens willingly, but when he tries to laugh, a sob tears free instead; he knew it was his job to sacrifice, but he never suspected he'd have to sacrifice _everything_.

"Major?" Traynor's voice comes over the comm.

"Yeah?" He asks quietly as he rubs his face, his voice too loud in the empty cabin.

"No response from the colony, but we've made contact with the fleet, Hackett's waiting on vidcom."

As Kaidan gets to his feet, the lump in his throat tightens and he swallows down a retch. "On my way."

Admiral Hackett looks none the worse for wear, except for the vague purple of a bruise on his temple. Kaidan's jaw clenches.

"Major Alenko," Hackett greets. "I'm so relieved to hear from the Normandy. How are you holding up?"

"In one piece," Kaidan answers, his fingers brushing the rim of the console. "But our VI is down and propulsion systems are offline. Everyone is doing their best to get us in the air again."

"Let us know if there is any assistance we can render. The fleet is not far from your present position and preparing to head back to Earth."

"Any..." Kaidan takes a breath. "Any news?"

"The Reapers have fallen, the shockwave from the Crucible crippled them completely," Hackett says. "The Charon relay is damaged, we're awaiting reports, but I have heard from the Citadel."

Kaidan feels his breath catch in his throat.

"C-Sec has secured the station and recovered Admiral Anderson's body," Hackett pauses, "Commander Shepard is MIA."

The confirmation twists that knot above his stomach tighter, but Kaidan nods. "Yes, sir. We could use any help you have to spare."

Hackett nods. "I'll send assistance once we've assessed our damages. Hackett out."

Kaidan stares into the empty space where Hackett had stood and blinks at the bulkhead.

Ten minutes later, Liara finds him still standing there and gently guides him to her quarters. He slumps into a chair and stares at the floor.

"He's MIA, Liara," Kaidan sighs, after several moments of nothing, "but we all know he isn't coming back. We knew from the beginning."

"I didn't," she protests, immediately, and gets to her feet, pacing across the small space. "Shepard always gave the best of himself, always, but we made sure there was enough left afterwards. He deserved to see the fruits of... this peace, perhaps. For however long it lasts."

"What we deserve and what we get are often very different things."

"Sometimes they're not." Liara shakes her head, sparing a glance for him before resuming her pacing. "But if he's missing, there's hope."

"Hope is worse right now, Liara," Kaidan murmurs bitterly, his words stressed by the clench of his jaw. "I'd prefer a body."

"You don't mean that, Kaidan." Liara's voice remains soft, but he turns away, resting his elbows on his knees as he leans forward and rubs the back of his knuckles across his forehead.

"No, I do." His jaw sets harder. "Hope is a weakness I can't afford right now. We need to stay focused, there's so much to do now, our work isn't over just because the Reapers are gone."

"Speaking of," Liara says. "We should update the crew. Would you like me to take care of that?"

"Yes, please, Liara." Kaidan rubs his face. "The Admiral is sending whatever engineers he can spare to help us get flying again, then we're heading back to Earth."

"And then what?"

"And then we bury him." Kaidan pushes himself to his feet, and Liara stands in silence as he leaves.


	2. The Message

Night falls, but it's only Liara's interference that sees Kaidan finally seek whatever passes for sleep these days. He traipses back to the captain's cabin and stands in the doorway. He'd have returned to his rarely-used bunk in crew quarters if it weren't for the looks they'd all give him, so instead he chooses the cold empty silence of the Commander's sacred space, where Shepard is obviously, painfully missing.

No sooner does the door slide shut behind him than the terminal beeps. He glances over at Shepard's desk and, with a sigh, drags himself over. All he has to do is tap a button, and a vid begins to play.

With a heavy, cooling heart, he realises it's a message from Shepard.

The man appears, dropping into the same chair in which Kaidan now sits, and he notes the familiar shadows haunting his eye sockets, and wrinkles he hadn't noticed the last time he'd touched those cheeks, kissed those lips, stared into those green eyes (as green as the leaves outside, and he'd wondered why the view made him so melancholy).

"Kaidan," Shepard begins as if is there, staring into the camera for a moment before turning his head away. "I hope I've said everything I wanted to say. If you're watching this... we all made our preparations like it was the final push, like it would be more final for some of us than others. But... I need you to be alive, I need you to hear these words."

Shepard rests his elbows on the table, and Kaidan finds himself glancing at the spot where they must've sat. His fingers tremble as he curls them around the edge of the desk and almost tricks himself into believing the spot is warm, Shepard having stepped out for a moment, but it is cool and empty and reminds Kaidan to focus on the vid.

Shepard's eyes appear darker when they return to the screen from his own distraction. "It may have taken me years to see what was right in front of me, but that doesn't diminish what we shared."

"Don't..." Kaidan loses his words to a knot low in his throat, but as he lifts his hand to turn the recording off, he stalls. His fingers curl into a fist and press hard into his thigh.

Shepard continues unheeded by Kaidan's plea. "You're already aware that I hold you in the very highest esteem, professionally and personally. You are an exemplary soldier, but you are also a remarkable man, I am proud, honoured and privileged to have been your commanding officer, and even more so to have been your friend."

"I could go on." Shepard waves a vague hand with a self-deprecating smile. "But what I wanted to say, really say, if you are there and you are whole"—his voice trembles there—"is how much you really mean to me. These last few months have been hard, the hardest of my life, but they have forged me into a man I hope future generations won't dissect too harshly. My decisions weigh heavy on my mind, but you have helped ease some of that burden. After Rannoch, after Thessia... I needed you, and you were there, and I never told you how grateful I am for that."

"But it's only now that I realise what's most important." A deep sigh heaves his shoulders, struggling visibly against an invisible weight. "Too late. I wish I'd realised sooner, even if it wouldn't have changed anything. After all of this, these battles, these wars... I wanted to find a home, with you, and to know that's unlikely to happen... it stings deep, for me as much as for you."

A silence stretches out between them, and then Shepard clears his throat.

"Anyway, I wanted to say goodbye, in case we didn't say it, in case there was no time... in case..."

Kaidan notices Shepard's Adam's apple bob prominently as he swallows and smiles into the camera one last time. "Take care of yourself, Kaidan. Be safe, always."

Then he is gone. Again. And it burns anew.

Kaidan holds himself as if bracing for an impact, but it doesn't come, and the feeling doesn't pass.


End file.
